Toxic Thoughts

The other night I was lying in bed again, exhausted but wide awake. My mind was whirling with random thoughts, most of them negative and most of them meaningless. It was like my mind was controlled by a separate entity – but not by me. I couldn’t seem to turn off the thoughts ping-ponging through my head.

Because I couldn’t control my thoughts, I couldn’t sleep that night. Because I didn’t sleep, I was sluggish and moody the next day, grabbing whatever convenient food I could find on my rush out the door. I was too tired to work out, so after work I wasted a few hours before making myself push through the mental fog to focus on schoolwork. At that point, I was too drained to cook, so I either had cereal or bought takeout (not friendly to my health or my budget). But as soon as I hit the pillow to fall asleep, my mind ran off without me again. And the cycle repeated itself all week long.

This has been an issue with me for years, but God gave me an awareness and discernment this time that I haven’t experienced before. Not only were my thoughts hyperactive at night, my thoughts toward myself were very negative throughout the day. They went something like this:

-          You’ll never change. As soon as you’re faced with a difficult situation, you’ll fail.

-          You’re so stupid.

-          You don’t fit in.

-          What’s wrong with you?

-          You’re so awkward; nobody wants to be around you.

Wow, writing them down, I realize how harsh those thoughts sound. But listen yourself throughout the day. Do you ever think or say the same things? Why do we do that? I Peter 5:8 gives me a hint: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” How does he devour us? One way is through our mind. If he can plant thoughts and seeds in our mind – get us to believe they are our  thoughts and then get us to believe those thoughts, then we’re already half eaten.

If I believe that I’ll never change, then I’m not putting my faith in God’s promises to me, and I’ll never try. If I believe that I’m stupid, that I don’t fit in, that there is always something wrong with me, then it’s like trying to run a race with a fifty pound stone strapped to my back (FYI, if I had that stone on my back, I’d fall right on my face…there would be no running). I can’t move forward in godly confidence if I constantly have the instinct to cower in a cave because I’m embarrassed with myself.

Those thoughts are toxic. They are lies and they are destructive. They hinder me from walking in God’s purpose and they hinder me from living out the healthy lifestyle that I so desperately want.

In her book, Reshaping It All, Candace Cameron Bure says, “It’s the feeling that we’re trapped in a body that has control over us. That’s why we want change. That why we need change!”

I need change. I need to detoxify my thought life and take control over my mind so it won’t control me anymore.